Quick One

In the spirit of keeping up with this blog, I'm going to go ahead and post a quick one; even though I'm inclined to make this much harder than it has to be haha.

So, I'm simultaneously happy and disappointed tonight. I've been chatting with a fantastic woman recently (more details coming soon; which I say all the time but I mean it) and we were supposed to meet in person tomorrow but for quite tragic reasons, she had to postpone.

It's ok, I'm really glad to have met her and I know we'll still meet soon, I just don't know how long till we'll be able to and patience is not one of my shining qualities.

Oh yes and we'll call her Amanda. 

The Pipes Are Backed Up

Ugh, this right here is exactly why I hate when I do this whole "procrastination" thing I'm so famous for; the pipes get all backed up.

I, quite literally have about 15-20 drafts just sitting here because even though I took a break from posting, I'd still have these brief moments where I try to get back into it, jot a jumbled thought of a paragraph down and never complete the idea, much less post it. So, I'm now faced with the task of reading each one, realizing either I don't feel the way I did when I wrote it or that the information within is now completely incorrect (because so much time has passed since the original draft was made), then deciding whether it's even worth posting or not and trying to complete a thought from a month ago. These little breaks also screw the whole chronology of everything up because....

No. Fuck it. I'm putting way too much thought into this. I'm going against the original intention of this blog. I'm going to just put it out there. Fuck the order. Fuck the feelings that have since been voided. Fuck all of the complications. No more bullshit excuses. Just write.

Ok then, I will.

Dearest Ms. Annie Creamcheese... of Netherton... Naturally.

I'm so glad you like my name. It personally has a bit of meaning for me but I thought it might sound cheesy to others so it pleases me that at least you like it. I personally believe your name (and bio) is much more inventive and creative and thus puts mine to shame. I have subsequently fallen for your imaginary imagination. We go on long adventures to mysterious lands... like Netherton... just so you know.

Wow, I always have a hard time responding to you and making comments on your post because I have so much to say to you. In reality, I really just wish we could discuss these things over said tea because even a blog entry is not enough to cover it but I'll do my best to make it fit. 

So.... I'm so sorry to hear about how difficult things have been. I know you're not going to believe me but you'll just have to take my word for it (plus you can't edit my blog, so it is written for time indefinite haha). You are a very special person and you deserve better. No matter what. Period. The end. Forever.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but you're definitely not alone. I'm 28 and feel the same way; like I have nothing to show for it. I mean I feel like in a lot of ways I'm worse off the older I get. Like you, the more I learn and the more I understand people, the more I realize just how screwed I am and how much I don't understand. I realize I don't fit somehow. Yet it's in such an abstract way that I don't fit, that I can't quite grasp it or find the solution for how to make it more bearable. It's led to a dizzying whirlwind of partial understanding and complete confusion that leaves me feeling more empty and alone than ever. I'm reading The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy right now (actually, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe). I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, but one of the characters goes into a machine called the Total Perspective Vortex, which is supposed to give the user (er, victim) total perspective of just how insignificant they are by showing them the entire universe and the invisible dot on top of an invisible dot that they represent. That is similar to the feeling that I, and I think you, feel. I'd throw in a bit more confusion and "what the fuck do I do now?" to the equation, but still the general idea is in tact. I'm just generally confused/baffled by people/the world/myself/myself in this world with all these people. It's consuming me too. I could go on a whole rant myself (perhaps I did; I certainly will if nothing else), but I'll spare you for now; we've got time.

Let's say we just get that van by the river together and give up. We can do a joint "fuck it!"  

Ugh, I can't believe someone would say that to you but I guess I do because I get similar comments. I'm of mixed race and I can't believe the ignorant shit that comes out of peoples mouths. People who expect me to fit in one box or the other. People who write me off before they even know me. I like to surprise people by my versatility and repertoire of interests. I refuse to be one thing to one group. Unfortunately, so many people are quite happy right in their stereotype, that my efforts often go unnoticed. I was trying to say, though, I know what you mean and it sucks. It's hard to be yourself when other people think you should be something definite. I'm sorry. My coming blogs kind of touch on some of these things we're talking about in more detail but the bottom line is: How are we supposed to thrive in a world like this?

Again, that van is sounding pretty good.

One thing I can definitely say about all this (that may or may not be of comfort) is there is a lot of time that passes between 20 and 28 (I mention 28 because that's my age and I still feel young; young enough to not completely lose hope). I can't promise you that you will figure things out. In fact, chances are you won't, but you have a ton of time to try to make peace with some things and at least find your place in it. Wow, I feel like everything I'm saying is just cliche bullshit, especially since I'm more confused than ever, but I really mean it.

Feel free to email me too. I don't see a link to email you but mine is on my profile page. I actually had this crazy idea for a blog you and I create, solely devoted to chatting/responding to each other, but then I thought, "That's basically complicating the email process." I still may like the idea after all though haha.

Oh yes, and I will read The Golden Notebook. I'm prepared to never be the same. Sort of.

I Knew It...

Well, I was afraid I would do this; and I didn't disappoint. Somehow, I ended up writing for other people and when other people aren't reading, the writing tapers off. Well, it's not simply that others weren't reading; there's more to it than that. I know a lot of bloggers kind of slow down during the summer months, busy with vacations and general summer frivolity. I wish I could say that were the case with me, but unfortunately I've had a fairly boring summer. I also wish I could blame it on work, but work for me has been part-time at best. Part of it I can finger (no pun intended) on my investment in pursuing extramarital relationships (to little or no avail; more on that later). But the real reason for my blog avoidance? I'm fucking lazy and I procrastinate. Oh and I'm easily distracted.

I don't know what it is, but I've always been that way. I don't remember when this happened but I do remember several instances, as early as fourth grade, where I procrastinated and had to do some pretty questionable things to cover my little 9 year old ass; and it's been the same ever since. For instance, in fourth grade, I developed a terrible habit of not finishing my homework, thus my grades began to slip... a lot. Hard to believe huh? Anyway, my teacher made me start taking my assignment notebook (the little red book we used to keep track of our daily assignments) home so that my mom could sign it everyday, upon completion of the days homework. So what did I do with that idea? I decided, because it was easier than actually doing the work, to forge my mom's signature. Yep that's right, 9 years old forging my mom's signature to continue my spree of irresponsibility. I can't quite pinpoint how I got to be this way or if it's just in my genes. In one of the most fascinating conversations I've ever had with my grandma, she claimed that she's a major procrastinator and that I probably get that from her, though I've never seen any evidence. Anyway, there are a couple reasons why I'm so curious when and why this started; I have a couple theories as well.

I'm especially fascinated with the idea that it started that very year (9 years old/fourth grade) as it was the same year that my parents divorced and my earliest memories of being disconnected in the aforementioned ways. I don't necessarily understand what the connection would be to my parents divorcing, except that I was just a sad little boy and lost interest in things.

Another possible theory I have relates to the epilepsy I had as a teenager. I've noticed some interesting physical effects that, in my mind, could be blamed on neurological trauma induced by seizures. Why should the way my mind works be any different? If something about my wiring were damaged during my seizures, that would seem to at least play some part in my inability to focus and complete things (this blog haha).

Maybe it's the combination. Or perhaps it's something totally different like ADD or something but either way I need some kind of solution because it's played a MAJOR role in my life ever since.

In reflection, nearly every part of my life has been affected in some way or another by my laziness, procrastination and general lack of focus: relationships, money/credit, career, daily life. I'm tired of the hold it's had on me and I need a way out of it, or at least a way to deal. What that is I don't know. 

Ok that's enough of a rant for now. My main purpose was to say I'm not giving up on this blog and I'm going to stop writing for other people; this is really the only place I can be honest with myself and I need this.

Where I'm At...

Wow, I think I may be the worst blogger ever! Okay maybe not the worst but I definitely need to get back on it. 

Hmmm... I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll just start with the "interest" that has kept me from blogging in the first place. This "interest" was a romantic one; let's call her Crystal. 

Crystal and I actually started chatting a couple months ago and we became romantic quite by accident. I found her on craigslist and her ad detailed how she wasn't looking for anything serious right away but that she missed having a deep connection with someone. I've been feeling incredibly lonely lately, so some kind of deep connection with someone sounded amazing, so we started emailing. At first it was pretty nonchalant and carefree, which was perfect considering my situation. Our digital conversations weren't something I went out of my way for at first, but as unaffected as we both tried to be, it was pretty evident that we kind of got each other; which I haven't experienced in a long time. Weekly emails became daily emails became hourly emails; when time allowed, of course. We soon began talking on the phone and, sure enough, we hit it off there too. Unfortunately, we were actually hitting it off a little too well, too quickly and we kind of went against the plan. We originally planned to go nice and extremely slow as we wanted to really find a connection, free of vanity and superficiality; even if all we ended up as was friends. Well, that didn't exactly work. We ended up talking for several hours every night, fooling ourselves into thinking it was strictly platonic. Finally, we met in person and had some pretty intense make-out sessions. We deliberately avoided actually having sex, believing that we were still somehow taking it slow, though we both knew the truth. Things kept getting more serious and despite our various situations we were finally honest with ourselves and started being more forthcoming about our true feelings. Anyway, I'll cut through some of this shit because, long story short, it didn't work out. 

I'm still kind of numb and a little bitter from it so I don't particularly feel like dwelling on all of the details of what happened but the reason I brought all of this up is two-fold. Partly, it's to explain why I've been so out of touch with blogging and, well, life in general. I actually wish I would have chronicled some of this during the whole thing instead of after when I'm kind of tight-lipped about it, but oh well. The other reason I bring it up now is because this whole thing with Crystal has brought up some very interesting feelings and questions within me. This whole thing has left me a little disillusioned. It left me wondering what I'm doing with my life and what I'm going to do about it. It's made we wonder how happy, if at all, I am with my wife. Honestly, though it's crossed my mind several times, Crystal made me for the first time think seriously about whether I want to end it with my wife. I don't want to throw it all away on a whim and knowing what I know now I'm glad I didn't (at least for Crystal) but it's got me seriously questioning how happy I really am. And don't get me wrong, I know marriage is hard and they take a lot of work but how much work should it take? Should I feel like I'm the only one working at it? Isn't it bad that sometimes I feel like I'm forcing it more than working on it? Should I be the only one changing?

*sigh* I don't know what the fuck to do... More later. Seriously, I'm committed to not letting this blog become another half-assed project haha. 

Unexcusable Blogging Error

I've been a horrible blogger lately. I've neglected writing in my personal blog and reading my favorite blogs by others. I've just generally been worthless; even outside of blogging. This is due, in part, because much of my time has been occupied with a new interest (I promise I'll elaborate), and partly because I've been incredibly sick; with allergies to top it off. Please forgive me, I'll do better.

Little Dragon

I appear to be a bit obsessed with this band (Little Dragon) lately and these two songs in particular put me in this extremely romantic/pensive/tingling state. A number of songs/bands do this to me, but Little Dragon has been rocking it the hardest lately. I love this very unique, intangible, almost indescribable sensation I get when listening to something like this! It's like an overwhelming, totally enveloping 4 to 5 minutes of romantic idealism; that feeling that you have as a teenager that you realize is much harder to come by as an adult than you thought. I know, I kind of sound like a girl; I don't care though! Did I mention these also happen to be two of the sexiest songs on the planet? God I love it!

It doesn't help that I also happen to be having some pretty... um... interesting feelings about someone.... more to come.

Scary Sexy

Ugh... I procrastinated again, but finally finished what I was going to post before the weekend.....

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm thinking. Seriously, what drives me to make some of the possibly worst decisions ever? The following story is why I wonder such things. Don't forget the disclaimer by the way.

It was around 12:30am, the Sunday before this. My wife had just gone to bed and I, still admittedly a bit intoxicated decided to stay up; which is my custom, inebriated or not. I checked my email and am surprised to find a response to a craigslist ad I posted some time ago. The ad was basically, a brief description of my situation and a more detailed picture (not an actual photo) of what I was looking for. Anyway, the response I got sounded a bit strange. She explained how she wanted to help me with my near sexless marriage by teaching me a few things that would make my wife more interested in sex, and if nothing else, we could just have some fun, NSA sex. Needless to say, what she said and the strange way she said it, put me a little on edge. My interest piqued, I wrote her a brief, tentative email saying that I was in fact, interested, though I wanted to hear more from her before I was sold, as it smelled an awful lot like spam or scam. A few minutes later, right before I log off deciding it's finally time for bed, I get a response from her wherein she informs me that she's house-sitting/dog-sitting for a friend near where I live, she's had too much wine and that I should come over because she's incredibly horny. She even boasted her flexibility, explaining that she was a former gymnast and figure skater. Ridiculous, right? Now, I'd be lying if I said all of this didn't get me a little excited but there were still a couple major reservations rolling around in my head despite my intoxicated state. It sounded quite strange that a 29 year old former gymnast/figure skater, house-sitting all alone, would invite me over very late at night to teach me some tricks to save my marriage. However, I had to find out what was going on.

We exchanged a few rapid-fire emails and somewhere along the line she must have said something to simultaneously convince me and get me all turned on.

So, all full of piss and vinegar (in this instance the saying should go, "all full of sperm and vodka"), I decide to sneak into our room, trying not to wake my wife in the process, get some clothes on and go over to trusty ole Michelle's house.

Like a zombie whose main objective is obtaining flesh, I drive over there, park and make the long walk to the door. My thought process, from the time I exited my door to the time I got to hers, went something like this: "What the fuck are you thinking? You've been drinking, now you're driving? You don't know who she is! What if she is a he? Could even be a group of guys pretending to be a girl and when I get there they're going to rob me; or worse. OK, maybe I'm just being paranoid. But it's 2am and your wife normally gets up to check on you if too much time passes before you go to bed. I bet she calls me to see where I am. How do you know this isn't a man?  What if she's underage? This whole thing seems like a bad idea. A drunk, former gymnast wants to teach me some tricks? Seriously? She's not answering the door and it's kind of dark in there. I don't like this. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. What the fuck are you thinking?" Unfortunately, that thought process was great company on the drive over but didn't manage to talk any sense into me and before I knew it she was answering the door. The only thought I could manage at that point was, "Well, it's too late now." 

She very politely gave me a hug, offered me a drink and talked with me for a moment in the kitchen. True to her email, she asked me questions about the sex in our marriage, which isn't the biggest turn-on right before extramarital sex, but it did make me more comfortable with her and one by one my walls come down as I realize, she actually is just a horny, drunk 29 year old, who wants to help and just like me is taking quite a few risks by asking a strange man to come over at  in the morning. She even had her papers showing a clean bill of sexual health, fresh as of a few weeks ago, which is pretty ironic considering how much I panicked about coming over. Once I got over my initial fears, it turned out she was actually safer than some I've talked to for much longer... and met in daylight!

When we finally got to it, the sex was good, though definitely not the best. In fact there were times when it wasn't even good, to be honest. I'm not sure if she had too much to drink to be effective (I was coming off my buzz unfortunately) or if her idea of good sex and mine were a bit off but there was definitely a disconnect somewhere. For instance, she got on top and was riding me pretty hard, which I love, but once she got really into it she did this grinding thing that bent my cock in a very unpleasant way and basically pried it out of her. Several times, we had to stop to put it back in, she'd apologize and we'd start again. Everything would work well, till she got too into it and sure enough, pain then pop. I will say this though, her little gymnast body was pretty amazing and it was kind of fun to be with someone so flexible. I actually tend to like curvier women but it was kind of fun being with someone with that kind of flexibility. I have no idea if she was ever a gymnast or a figure skater but her flexibility sure didn't contradict her claims.

Afterwards, reality flooding back into my mind, I got back into my car and pondered what awaited me when I returned home. Curious how my entrance would be received, I pictured her waiting anxiously in a rocking chair, like a parent waiting for a rebellious teen. I imagined her searching the apartment and realizing I was gone, calling and asking me what the fuck I was doing out at 5am. After what seemed like an endless journey home, I cracked the front door and was pleasantly surprised to find the apartment just as I left it. She's gotten to be a heavier sleeper over the years and never have I appreciated it more.  

In all reality, as safe as Michelle was and as much fun as it ended up being, I don't think I'll be doing anything that potentially dangerous again; no matter how hot she is or how much I have to drink. Although, I've said similar things before. God I hope I can keep my promise this time.

Disclaimer

So before I post my next "story" I feel it necessary to issue the following disclaimer. 

**Please bear in mind, the events depicted in previous posts and those succeeding them are told with complete honesty, void of any embellishment.** 

The reason for this little disclaimer is, as I look over my recent posts and think about my recent "activities", I think it all sounds a bit unbelievable. Admittedly, it is unbelievable. If I was reading some guys blog and it read like mine has recently, I'd be incredibly skeptical, especially considering my recent comments about craigslist for the male user. I've been posting or responding to posts on craigslist for a few months, with little to no luck; until recently. As I've explained before, it's near impossible to get a real response from someone genuine as a man searching for a woman, especially with the kind of stipulations that I (or my situation) mandate. That little fact (at least as I perceive it) is exactly why this all sounds terribly unbelievable to me and thus I felt the need to explain that, while I think it sounds completely unbelievable, it's the honest truth. That said; I present to you the height of truthful ridiculousness.... Well, probably tomorrow when I feel a bit more like writing.

An Erotic Life

While writing recently, it's occurred to me that writing these could read a bit like "Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life" if I'm not careful haha. Any resemblance is purely coincidental, though I kind of don't mind given how much I love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If you've never seen it, do yourself a favor and see it.  I couldn't find the full clips but if you watch the partial clip below, you'll see what I mean haha. Enjoy!

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - Season Four at IGN.com

Dirty Weekend pt. 3

Goodness, it's taking longer to finish this then I had planned! I guess I could have just done one really long post and been done with it, but that would just be too long. I could have also trimmed it down but then again, I warned you at the beginning that I could be verbose and I like details anyway haha. Alright, I'm talking too much already.

So, as mentioned, Cory's friends were getting pretty upset that she drove all that way not to visit them and so we decided to go our separate ways. Still, a bit turned on from our session, I told her via text, "I can't stop thinking about how good your mouth felt around my cock!" I didn't really expect a reply immediately, or even at all, but very quickly she replied, "Wanna feel it again? My friends got pissed at me and don't want to hang out anymore, so you should come back." Without delay, I rushed back to her hotel (though traffic made it more of a crawl), and before I could say much, she had me on the bed, pants around my ankles, doing what she does best.

With her tongue, she slowly traced circles along the bottom ridge of the head; licking the tip occasionally. The sensitivity was overwhelming and just when I thought I could take no more; she enveloped my cock with her warm and talented mouth. I could tell she knew what she was doing; she had the timing and movement down just right. She went through this cycle a few times, changing the order as she saw fit: teasing the head, sucking the shaft, sucking my balls, licking the tip, stroking the shaft and head while encouraging me, "C'mon, cum for me baby!" Soon enough, my legs tightened, my back became arched and I shook in orgasmic pleasure. My cock trembled as she continued sucking and swallowed my cum. When finished, she did as before and cuddled up close to me. 

We laid there for sometime, just kind of chatting and relaxing. She turned over on her stomach and I again started rubbing and caressing her back; this time I even threw in a little head rub. I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of curious if the back rub would turn her on again and sure enough the wriggling and writhing began. She moaned and with that I knew she was ready for more. I leaned in, kissed her, and then turned her on her back. I licked and sucked on her nipples. I even nibbled and tugged on them a bit, having learned earlier that she loves that. I started rubbing her clit and felt how wet she was, so I gently put a finger in. After hearing her approving moan I put another in and slowly pushed and pulled my fingers in and out. Her g-spot was really easy to find and apparently very sensitive, so I rubbed it with my fingertips while rubbing her clit with my thumb. She very visibly (and audibly) enjoyed it and as much as I wanted to replace my fingers with my cock I decided not to mess with something she was enjoying so much. Soon she began to buck her hips, making it slightly difficult to get consistent strokes. We made it work though, and soon she tightened her legs around my arm and came in her signature vocal style.

We planned on having a bit more fun but our lack of sleep eventually caught up with us, so we cuddled a bit more and unexpectedly fell asleep in each others arms.  Thankfully I woke up in time to pick up my wife from the airport though! So once again, we got dressed, made out in the parking lot a little and said goodbye. We'll see what happens next time she's in town!

Dirty Weekend pt. 2

Soooo... picking up where I left off; things with L didn't go exactly as planned. However, as mentioned before, I did get a surprising number of replies from my post on craigslist, so I decided to write a few back and see what happens, especially given L's busy schedule for who knows how long. That said, I'd like to introduce you to a couple new friends; lets call them Dawn and Cory.

To save a bit of time and some pretty tedious details, Dawn and I have been writing each other since that weekend and have made a couple tentative plans to get together but our schedules have been quite conflicted. OK, now on to the hot part!

Saturday, I was extremely busy and just didn't really feel like putting much effort in; admittedly discouraged after Friday's disappointment with L. So came Sunday; when I started talking to Cory. As with L, chatting with Cory started out very innocent. In fact, she very quickly told me that she was an unhappily married woman living in Nebraska and as such, only intended to chat, nothing more. Bored beyond belief I decided to chat with her, even though it appeared our agendas were very different. So, like I said, it started out very innocent and with little expectation. Strangely, once the rules were established, almost like a switch, things got very sexual. She explained how twice a day sometimes isn't enough for her, which turned me on given that twice a month is often too much for my wife. Unfortunately the only women I seem to meet who are that sexual are my friends' wives (figures haha), so meeting someone that sexual is a huge turn on for me. Pretty soon we moved to texting, as it was much faster than emailing, and before I knew it we were sharing fuck fantasies. I explained how much I wanted to see a woman get herself off, in real life, since every girl I'd ever been with was too shy to do that. I don't know how I end up with these girls haha. Anyway, she responded by sending me two videos of her masturbating. One was just her rubbing her clit, the second was her pussy pulsating and contracting after a couple intense orgasms. SO HOT!

By the time 5am rolled around, we had been texting for about 7 hours! She works the graveyard shift and I didn't have to work Monday so luckily neither of us was seriously damaged haha. We spent pretty equal portions talking about sex, talking about life and sending sexy pics to each other. Finally, barely able to keep my eyes open, we decide to end our little chat. Before we stop though, she finally confesses her little secret. She informs me that she actually has some friends in Denver and that she was going to visit them soon. Soon as in that same day when she got off work! Apparently she visits fairly often and stays overnight to get away from her husband. That being the case she asked if I wanted to meet for lunch and hang out a bit. I didn't really feel like it so I politely declined. 

Just kidding! Like I really declined!

Hell yeah I wanted to have lunch and hang out; I knew what she meant by hang out and I loved the idea that there was already a hotel in the works; a neutral spot to let go, free of vomiting dogs haha.

So, we meet for lunch, chat a bit and she asks me back to her room. Without hesitation, I accept the invitation, trying my best to play it cool and not assume. However, all that nonchalance was not necessary; as soon as we got in the room she closed the curtains and strolled over to me with a lustful look on her face that easily gave away her intentions. Mmmm, perfect! She pushed me down on the bed, straddled me and immediately began kissing me. We paused briefly to exchange our delight that the other was a great kisser and got right back to it. She assertively (which I love) undid my pants and sucked my dick like an expert. She had bragged a bit about her oral skills but I had no idea she was that good! She brought me right to the edge and I couldn't take it anymore, but before I came I used one of her texts against her. I pushed her onto her back, helped her put her legs up against my chest and forcefully pushed my cock into her warm pussy; just like she described in her texts. She wasn't kidding about that doing it for her; she was ready to cum almost immediately. She was loud too, which was another welcome change compared to what I'm used to. I love love love seeing/hearing/feeling a woman who's really into it. So with her involuntary cues, I fucked her hard like she likes; her moans getting louder and louder, until she grabbed a pillow, covered her mouth and uttered several piercing screams as she came. I came shortly after and collapsed next to her.

Then.... we held each other for awhile. That part, to me, was nearly as great as the sex was. I think I've kind of touched on this before but my wife isn't really very touchy, so it was amazing to have someone scoot in close to me and want to just lay there and be held. We'd kiss a little, then she'd pull up even closer to me, almost like she was trying to crawl under my skin, and we'd kiss some more. So great! I started to rub her back and I soon found out that was a huge turn on for her; she started squirming and moaning, which always gets me excited, and before I knew it I had another condom on and I was fucking her from behind.

We laid down once more and the same routine started; hug, kiss, rub, fuck. Unfortunately, though, before we could get to the fuck step she got several texts from the friend she was in town to see in the first place and alas it was time to part ways. We lethargically got dressed and did a little farewell kissing. This was her only night here and my wife was coming back that night, so this was likely the last time I'd see her, at least until she came back to Colorado. Or was it????

Dirty Weekend pt. 1

Alright, so I've been way too busy (or maybe just lazy) to finish catching up on the recent developments that I said I'd post. Enough excuses... the time has come haha.

Here's a little back-story before I explain. The events to be discussed took place about a week and a half ago (wow, I can't believe it's taken me that long!). Anyway, what a weekend it was! My wife left town for the weekend and I was horny as ever; no surprise there haha. So, in my state of arousal and in keeping with my new resolution, I decided to post an ad on craigslist. Please allow me to digress even further. Now, I don't know if any of you have ever posted to CL before, but let me tell you, for a guy it's a miserable place to be. Actually I hear it is for women too but for very different reasons. For men, it's a minor miracle to get a response to an ad; usually it's just spam. My guess, given what I've heard from a few females, is that with the number of women vs. men on CL, women often are able to be a bit more choosy, thus an average looking guy like me isn't really at the top of the list haha. I'm not being bitter; I'm just stating my experience. Trust me, I feel for you women too. I hear you are deluged with responses; many from some pretty unsavory characters with some pretty unsavory tastes in kink. Back to my story. So I posted an ad and said miracle happened. Actually it was pretty weird, I got a lot of responses; good ones too! I may have to break these up a bit now that I think about it because there were several women involved and the plot continues to thicken, but here's where it started.

So the first girl I talked to, we'll call her L, was that Friday night. My goodness she got me hot! It started out fairly innocent but we quickly hit it off and very soon things escalated. She promptly started sending me things like "I want you to pull my hair while you fuck me from behind!", then she sent me a picture of her perfect breasts, nipples erect. She then asked to see my dick, so I obliged and sent a picture. I'll cut to the chase; things got hot and she asked me to come over as her husband was still working, till about 1am. I almost didn't make it actually. The torrential rain made navigating the nearly flooded highway almost impossible with good windshield wipers. So, wouldn't you know it, all of the sudden my trouble-making left windshield wiper flies off its arm leaving a metal stump scraping across the glass? I'm too close to stop now though! So, I keep driving (even if for no other reason than to find a good place to wait for the rain to stop) and I notice someone is flashing their headlights at me in the distance. I'm not sure what for at first but I eventually get to L's street and realize that my problematic electronic system has blown my taillight fuse.... again. This is the part where I tell you I hate my car. Finally, though, I arrive at L's house and I can't help but think, "Wow, what's wrong with me? All this for sex?...... Hot.... steamy sex?" The answer was yes... don't judge me haha. 

At long last, I knock on the door; we greet each other (I'm also greeted by several dogs she's watching, including a sick one that she just took in) and proceed to the bedroom. Things went very well at first. We kissed and removed clothes. I sucked on her lovely nipples and rubbed her wet pussy and clit as she leaned her head back, obviously enjoying the attention that she hadn't received in some time. Unfortunately, though, my ordeal getting to her side of town, cut our time before her husband would be on his way home very short, so we had to forego the foreplay and get straight to the fucking. I was surprised how willing she was to get right to it despite so many obstacles saying "not tonight." On my way, I thought for sure I'd get there, she'd look at the clock and tell me there just wasn't enough time. In reality there wasn't, we were both obviously feeling a little rushed, but I'm still impressed she tried. Anyway, clock in our peripheral, she gets on all fours with me inches away from entering her and satisfying the aching we had both created over the hours of texting that preceded. It was just then that something that couldn't be overlooked happened. The newly acquired dog, the sick one, puked all over the floor outside the bedroom. She quickly rushed to her feet and said "I'm so sorry; I just can't do this with that sitting on the floor out there." Had we the time, we probably could have picked up where we left off, but we were already cutting it way too close and I really don't blame her for not wanting to finish with fresh dog vomit on the floor; it's not exactly a turn on haha. So, I promptly got dressed and headed for the door; her profusely apologizing and I continually assuring her that it's ok. Needless to say, I had to help myself when I got home. 

On a positive note, we're still texting and still want to meet, to try our little adventure over again. Our schedules aren't really lining up right now though, so we'll see. And so ends this chapter in my sexy/strange weekend. More very soon! 

Fleshlight

So, I recently did something, or rather, purchased something that I have always been curious about but never actually followed through with for some reason.... until now. I got a male sex toy haha; a fleshlight. Weird huh? Or is it? I don't know. Seems pretty normal and accepted for a woman to have vibrators and dildos (didoes?) but it doesn't seem so normal for a guy to have a toy. Or maybe I've just not heard of it much, probably because men are not as likely to share that kind of info with their friends as girls are. Still haven't tried it but I will soon and will share results.... including pie charts. Speaking of here's someone who really knows his way around a chart and may help with the plural spelling of dildo.

Catching Up... The Beginning

Ok I can't keep putting this off haha; it's time to catch up. Like I said, there have been some VERY interesting turns in events lately. I think I'll break it into a few posts for brevity's sake but here it goes. So....

Pretty soon after I get back from the aforementioned out of town work trip, my wife asks if I could show her how to do something on the computer. I forget what it was now but anyways, I did in fact sit down with her at the computer and we got to work. So I'm filling out some online form and I type the word "I". All of the sudden Firefox pulls up the recently used phrase "I just want a one night stand, is that too much to ask???"

What???

We both looked at each other and I immediately start searching, scouring my brain, to try to figure out when I typed that and why I was so careless as to not erase the history. After the longest second and a half in the world, we both say "That's weird." immediately after I try to cover my mistake with the excuse that Google probably auto-populated a commonly used phrase. My wife says, "That's kind of sad that it's so common." To which I respond "Heh... yeah." (Not the most thrilling dialogue haha). A couple minutes pass and we keep working, when suddenly my brain stops panicking and starts thinking logically. One by one, the pieces start coming together. I realize that I work damn hard not to make sloppy mistakes like that. I think, "Wait, I don't use Firefox for that kind of stuff. I use Opera because she doesn't and she won't look there. I clean the history every time I close it too, just in case. And I've never typed anything about a one night stand. If anything I've been looking for more of a FWB/ongoing affair kind of thing. Could it be that she typed that? No way! It's not possible! Or is it?" Anyways, we finish the project and go about our evening, as nonchalantly as possible. A couple hours pass and finally I'm alone enough to check the history. Unfortunately for her, she's not terribly good at sneaking things and doesn't really know how to delete the history or cover her tracks. Anyways, I check and sure enough, there it is. She had started (and subsequently deleted) a profile at a couple hook-up sites looking for a one night stand; this taking place the time before this time that I was out of town.

What???

So far, I've decided not to say anything about it. Partly because she hasn't actually done anything (that I know of), partly because I'm shocked and don't believe she'll take the next step and partly because I'm doing the same thing! This may be bad but I'm actually pretty curious to see if she does pursue it further. 

Then, along with the search for a one night stand I also found a bunch of porn she had looked up, which I've talked with her about before. She looks up all these creampie videos and I'm like "I'll do that to you all day long! But for some reason you don't wanna fuck!" Sexual hypocrisy! haha 

I don't get any of this at all. I'm not really sure what's going to happen with us moving forward but I do know we are moving in opposite directions. More later.... 

A Long Silence

Well, I've been pretty quiet for awhile. Unintentionally, but quiet regardless. I had to leave town last minute for work again and while I have internet in the hotel, 14 to 16 hour days aren't exactly conducive to good writing haha. I'm really in the mood to write right now but I still need to do some catching up with life outside the information super highway (haha). Anyways, some interesting developments have come up recently that will most definitely be covered soon.

TMI Thursday

Wow, I'm up way too late (or way too early) and just figured now would be a good time to do a TMI since it is Thursday now.

I know sooo many TMI's have to do with sex, so I kind of hate to do that to you, but I'm gonna do it anyways because talking about sex is probably the easiest way to give TMI and it's my first one on this blog. Plus I just partook in the activity to be discussed so it's kind of fitting. That may be TMI already haha. Anyways, here goes.

Take a trip with me, if you will, back to my early teen years. I was a boy who had just discovered the joys (and guilt haha) of masturbation. It was amazing and I was pretty good at it, but alas, something was awry and I couldn't shake it. See, I'm right handed, thus I used my right hand to masturbate. Seemed reasonable to do it that way, except that one day I started thinking and realized I masturbate with the same hand that I do everything else with. Of course, I always washed my hands (very thoroughly) but at the time it just seemed weird that I used my masturbating hand to make food, or to do my homework, or to give a handshake; anything really. So with some deal of effort I switched hands.  

It sounds pretty ridiculous thinking about it now but nevertheless the switch from right to left stuck. I've tried using my right hand and it gets the job done, but the left is the one that really knows what it's doing haha.

So there's some TMI!

Weird

Disclaimer: After reading this again, it really sounds like I'm on something haha. I promise I am not. That's actually what makes what I'm about to say even more interesting, at least to me; I can't blame it on anything else. Anyways, I hope someone doesn't get the wrong idea haha.

--

So, something weird happened, again. It's like this: I'm sitting (remember, not under the influence of anything, at all) in my chair in the office, writing and listening to music, when this very strange sensation comes over me. It's happened before, but I thought this time I'd document it because it's so strange and surreal that it's often hard to describe later. Anyways, I get this weird feeling that my chair is suddenly too small; or that I'm suddenly too big for it. I have to be careful though because it's a difficult feeling to grasp when I notice it; almost as if it goes away when I pay too much attention to it. Anyways, it kind of feels like my legs and arms are too long and I have to reach up from this tiny seat (imagine a 6ft+ man sitting in an elementary school chair) to reach the keyboard. It's so surreal! And I kind of love it! In a weird way...

This isn't the first time I've felt something like this though. I remember, starting in youth, laying in bed, eyes closed, indulging this mental picture of me trying to pin something between my fingers. I could only see my fingers, complete darkness surrounding them, and it was usually a button, or even more commonly, a pen that I was trying to hold between my thumb and index finger. The weird thing was, in this little picture of mine, my fingers are HUGE and I can't quite get a hold of the object. I try and try, but can't seem to get a good grasp on it. I think it wouldn't seem so strange if it were just a dream, but it's not. It still happens to this day in fact, albeit not very often.

Hmmm... I wonder if anyone else gets these particular sensations.

My interest in the surreal actually goes beyond that too. I'm fascinated by sleep and dreams; I think because I have some pretty interesting sleep experiences myself. I don't have time to get into that part right now, but I will later for sure.

Oh and the whole huge fingers thing, reminds me of The Science of Sleep. I love that movie and the director (Michel Gondry) because he so deftly displays the art and emotion involved in the surreal.

Ok gotta go for real now.

Reason

I think now's a good time to clear up why I'm writing here instead of talking directly to my wife about these things. I know I said I'm not writing this blog for others (and I'm still not), but should someone decide to start reading it I want to clear this up.

I think a lot of people, me included, would read the previous posts and think, "Hey, why don't you just say something to your wife about it?" If anyone were reading, I'm sure I'd get comments about being open and honest with her. While I appreciate the concern and agree with you, there are a few main reasons I'm writing here and not talking to her about it; and I intend to clear that up now.

First, I have talked to her about most or all of these issues. In fact, that's where a lot of my frustration comes from; the fact that despite many attempts, ranging from incredibly subtle to embarrassingly overt, nothing changes. I realize I can't, and she can't change everything, but so often I just don't feel like she's trying very hard. I often don't even feel heard at all.

Second, she has a major guilt complex. Anytime I bring up something that displeases me or frustrates me or requires some act of change on her part, she feels like I hate her. She's never been catholic but she would be great at it, with her deft grasp on the concept of guilt and its application haha.

This last one I fully blame on myself, I just don't quite know how to get over it. When I bring something up I usually end up feeling like she's changing something out of guilt, not because she wants to. I'll use sex as an example, since I've posted about those problems the most. So, for instance, one day I'll mention the fact that I want more sex and better sex (more tactfully than that of course haha). Over the course of a couple days I notice a slight, though noticeable, increase in sexual activity. That's great of course, but the problem is, I can't help but think she's doing it to keep herself from feeling guilty or to keep me off her back rather than actually wanting me or wanting a better sex life in general. And I don't want it to be that way. I don't want it to become a chore, and I don't think it has to, but I just can't avoid feeling like she thinks it is. That's just one example. The same goes for other things too and it just leaves me feeling like my hands are tied. It leaves me feeling like I have to bottle it up, which is definitely not good and I've done far too much of that in my life; so here I am.

So, that's a brief summary of why I'm doing this. I'm sure there's more to it but I'm a little tired to write more right now.

Finally!!!

Finally, something I can work with! At long last (bear in mind my week out of town, preceded by an indefinite period without prior), we finally had sex! And believe it or not, it was amazing! It wasn't the craziest sex in the world, but it was exciting nonetheless. I don't need insanely crazy sex anyways. I'm not sure if that's because I honestly don't need crazy, kinky sex or if it's because my expectations are so low these days. Of course, if it was offered I wouldn't turn it down. OK I guess, being honest with myself, I am pretty kinky and would enjoy being with someone that adventurous sexually. Actually, I've never really been with someone who was able to challenge me sexually (more on that later). I wonder why. Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked. I was saying, low expectations or not, it was pretty sexy. 

One of the sexiest parts was the spontaneity; something that has been sorely missing from our sex life. Everything seems so planned, so often, that a sudden, unexpected jumping can be as exciting as the sex itself. So, we were getting ready to leave for dinner and I decided to kiss her; no expectations, just a simple kiss. Feeling her tender lips between mine, I had to have another, and another, and another; each kiss getting longer and more intense than the former. Still I kept my expectations in check and was happy just to enjoy the simple pleasure of kissing that, sadly, too can easily be forgotten as years go by in a marriage. No sooner had I tempered my desires, sure that nothing would happen, especially with dinner pending, then she had removed her shirt. It's kind of a difficult thing to describe, but seeing a woman's shirt pass just past the fullest point of her breast (generally the nipple) accomplishing both the exposing of said nipple and a slight jiggle as the shirt releases the tension on the breasts instantly drives me crazy; and this time was no exception. All my hard work to contain myself was hastily undone. 

Quickly, we removed our clothing and began making out, first standing then lying in bed. Our hands and mouths searched each others bodies. I started, first, gently kissing her neck, biting occasionally, gradually moving down to her perfect breasts. I lightly kissed her breasts; gently licking, sucking and nibbling her sensitive nipples. She stroked my hard cock while I massaged her increasingly wet pussy lips and clit. We alternated between overt sexual caresses and strong, emotional embraces. Holding each other tightly we kissed passionately almost as if to prove this was just as much about love as it was sex. To me, our love life and sex life are intertwined. At times, tends to treat them like they're two separate things for some reason, but that's another rant for another time. Anyways, we continued kissing and as she opened her legs, I pushed my pelvis into the void. She pushed her pelvis into mine and the angle allowed me to slide the top side of my cock along her now very wet pussy lips. Every so often, I would put just the tip, not even the whole head, of my cock into her, pull it out and rub the mixture of her juice and my precum along her pussy lips with my cock. Finally, I couldn't take anymore. The feeling of my cock sliding along her pussy, straining to feel its slick warmth envelop me was too much to bear.

I pulled her on top of me, gently sliding her down on my aching cock. She was a little tight and sore at first, given the length of time since our last session, but caution was soon abandoned as her pussy conformed and welcomed my cock. We started with slow, shallow movements but quickly gained speed and intensity. Her deliberate tightening around my cock and grinding into me made me lustfully insane. A woman who really rides me hard has always done it for me, after all. Though it felt incredible, being wrapped tightly in her hot pussy, I occasionally would pull out, teasing her with just the head, then thrusting forcefully back into her.

I knew she was getting close and that she likes to be taken, so I rolled her onto her back and swiftly shoved my cock into her eager pussy. She moaned as I pushed myself into her as far as I could. I took several long, deep strokes. Grabbing my hips she drove me into her harder and faster. She was getting closer, and I as well. Finally, with little notice, almost as if she was caught off guard, her moans became louder and more frantic. Her chest rose and fell, her hips pushing against my rhythmic thrusting. Quickly I felt a wave of overwhelming sensation, and my shaft began to jerk in pleasure as she encouraged me to keep going. I continued moving in and out, as much as the sensitivity would allow, until my pulsing shaft had finished filling her with my cum and her groaning subsided. It took awhile but we finally composed ourselves and finished getting ready for a well earned dinner.  

Like I said, it wasn't the craziest sex ever but it was certainly more spontaneous and passionate than I've become used to!

I Can't Even Cheat Right!

Wow, this is frustrating!

There are two women I've been talking to, both with my freshly hatched idea of cheating. Both were going well, and I'm actually still talking to one of them. Here's the frustrating part though: I can get a woman interested in me, but I can't take it to the next level. 

Mind you, this is nothing new in my life; I just thought I was beyond it after being married for a number of years, growing up and hopefully learning something along the way haha. I guess not though, damn! Here's a little history on me: Traditionally, I'm too nice, too respectful and too much of a good guy. In other words girls think, "I like you but I won't fuck you." 

So here's what happened: Girl 1 (I'll call her Anne) lives near me. We started chatting and found an instant connection. We're both in the same situation; passionate persons with spouses that don't really seem to care for sex, leaving us looking for a way to fill that void. We've been chatting for awhile and honestly, it could still happen. So what's the problem? I think I got too close, emotionally. I'm not sure when this happened exactly but at some point I think I became too caring and gave her the idea that I'm better as a friend than as a way to sooth her aching loins haha. Story of my life. *sigh* Again, if could still happen but I have a very strong feeling that it won't work out in quite the intended way, given the way it's shaping up now. 

Girl 2 (no name necessary as her story starts and stops here haha) lives in Texas (which is where I was on the aforementioned unexpected trip). This one really frustrates me because this one was going to be HOT! And there were was no emotional attachment, as there wasn't really time for my typical flaming nosedive into the friendzone. Anyways, I talked to her on the phone, and things were great. We talked for five hours; had some hot phone sex and everything looked like a go. I know she was nervous about meeting a stranger from out of town but nevertheless she agreed to meet me at work. The meeting itself seemed ok but upon further reflection I should have given her my room key. She hinted to it the previous night on the phone but honestly (and I think this is reasonable) I was a little nervous to give my room key to someone I knew for less than 24 hours. I was at work too, so I was, needless to say, a little distracted, worried that I'd get caught. I also didn't want to assume. We had never met before and, though we were on a tight schedule given that it was my last night in Texas, I didn't want to put the pressure on her to come to my room if she wasn't comfortable or didn't like what she saw when we met. So I told her to call my room later if she wanted or I'd email her when I got back, as my cell wasn't working there for some reason. No call. I tried to email her, but no answer while I was there (or when I got back), so I can only assume that the initial meeting didn't go well. 

So here I am now, confused beyond belief. Why is it that I can get a woman to like me but I can't get her to fuck me? What about my personality draws women to me, but not as anything other than a friend?

The biggest problem is I don't know how to change it, especially because I was raised to believe these qualities are what women are looking for. It doesn't help either that you women are always telling us you want nice guys, when you actually don't. Or maybe you do, and I somehow am just too nice (if there is such a thing; seems ridiculous haha). Either way it sucks, because it's so ingrained in me that it would take some serious changing to fix it, assuming it's even possible. This is actually yet another perfect example of how being reasonable and "nice" seemingly would be an advantage but has really worked against me.

I'll expound later on this, but I even wonder if this is part of the problem with my wife and me. Maybe, I just make things too comfortable. It sounds kind of weird to say this, but maybe a relationship needs some pressure. Maybe I need to be a little bit of a dick sometimes. Perhaps she's just gotten too used to me being easy going with her; no real pressure for sex, no threat of me being a jerk to her, no sexual (or emotional) tension. Nothing has to be earned, it's always given. Again this seems like a strange concept to me, to make someone "earn" something in a marriage but it kind of makes sense too. I mean, maybe we both "have" each other too much or too easily and we get lazy. Hmmm...

The Inevitable Return

So I was gone for a bit on an unexpected trip but I'm back. That is all. Actually, there were a couple things that happened on this trip worth mentioning, I'm just too tired to write it right now.

Why Won't She Fuck Me?

I don't think I've mentioned this so far, but I'm a married man with a problem that is quite difficult to ignore. I know I'm definitely not the only guy (or person for that matter) facing this problem but I'm at least the only person in this marriage facing it; which, to be honest, pisses me off.

Anyways, my wife won't fuck me. I suppose I should say it's not that she won't fuck me; rather it's that she very rarely fucks me and said fucking is boring at best.

There are actually several things that make this especially weird and confusing to me. Here are a few examples: First, I'm definitely a "pleaser" in bed. I'm not above much when it comes to her pleasure. I'll lick, suck, caress, nibble, pinch and kiss whatever she likes. I'll fuck her roughly or make love to her gently; either way she likes, or both. She praises me for my "abilities" (when she actually takes advantage of them) and tells me I'm amazing, so it's not like she can say that I'm a poor or selfish lover. I make sure to give her attention outside of the bedroom. In fact, I may spend too much time with her, so it's not like she can say that we don't spend quality time together outside of sex. I also make a point to let her know often (very often) that I think she's beautiful too. Then there's this: In a case like this many think, and often correctly so, that their significant other is cheating. However, I know she's not cheating. I'm sure everyone says that but this I know for a fact. She loves me too much to even consider it, in fact, she's perhaps a little too in love with me, thus I can rule that out. 

Without droning through every possible scenario, I really don't know why the sex is the way it is. I don't know, maybe she's just simply not needing much sex. What I do know, though, is that it drives me nuts and it's led me to an interesting conclusion. 

I've been thinking about it for awhile but very recently finally got serious about it. I'm going to cheat. I don't think it's fair that all of her needs are met and mine are so severely ignored. Sometimes it makes me feel lonely, sometimes angry because I would do anything for her and in this area it seems like she wouldn't for me; it feels so inconsiderate. Anyways, I think I've made peace with the fact that sex just isn't a big deal to her and I can't change who she is. Likewise, neither she nor I can change who I am, and so, all these things considered I've come to my decision to cheat. *sigh*

Attention

What the fuck is that? Why do you (my wife) demand so much attention and love from me but when it comes down to choosing between me and your mother you will invariably pick her? 

Case in point: you called me from work today while on lunch. Sad that you were having a bad day and needing some comfort, you asked to to drive over there. First, it's kind of irritating that you expect me to drop whatever I'm doing to drive over and comfort you anyways (more on the comforting thing later). Never mind that part though, here's what really bothers me. Since I couldn't make it, I said I'd stay on the phone with you until you had to go back, which I thought was fair. You could have vented to me, I would have listened and offered all the "awww, baby"s, "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s you could ask for, but instead you said "It's ok, I'll just call my mom."

What the fuck is that?!

I know you're close to her and she's a great lady, don't get me wrong, but it seems strange how you need my love/comfort so badly one minute, only to discard it for your mothers the next. I know moms have super powers and it wouldn't be so bad except that it happens so often. What's more frustrating is, when I bring it up, you give me this look like I'm crazy, like I'm being totally ridiculous, and say "You know it's pretty normal for a girl to be this close to her mom." I don't doubt that, and actually, I have no problem with you guys being close, it's just that so often your relationship with her steps on our relationships toes, but you don't see it.  Am I being ridiculous? Is there any chance that perhaps you're even partially wrong? Am I so hard to talk to? I mean, I feel like I listen patiently and attentively, but I guess it's just different with her. Who do I turn to when I need help or when I need to talk though? You. Maybe it's just another thing, in a long list of things, that I will never get. What I do get is that it's frustrating.

The Middle Man

So, what do you do if you're in the middle?

What do you do if every choice you've ever made (or not made) was made with such unerring and unflinching reason that it actually hindered you from progressing? 

The weird thing (at least to me) is that everyone I know is striving for balance and for reasonableness and they, with their bad tempers, their excesses, their selfishness and like "character flaws" have become successful (in some way or another) during said search, while I, have almost reasoned my way out of success and happiness. I'm going to get much further into this so don't worry if it doesn't make sense right now. 

By the way, this is as good a time as any to warn you that I tend to be a bit verbose and this blog is purely for my own purging (possibly scatterbrained) purposes. That being said, I'm not writing this to entertain anyone and as such you may become bored and/or confused. Maybe not though; who knows?

Anyways, back to my original thought. It's very interesting to me just how far in the middle I am when I really think about it; this being a very recent revelation. It too interests me how this reasonableness has "capped" my potential and has recently led me to question everything about me.  This could be a whole separate post (or posts) altogether but consider these points for now: I've never been in a real fight. I've always been the mediator between family, friends, enemies, whoever. I'm talented but not too talented. I'm simultaneously motivated and lazy. I'm happy (or should be) but feel something constantly telling me I need more. I'm just average looking. I'm good with words but have a hard time expressing myself, at least in person (I tend to express myself better in writing so hopefully I do a better job of that here haha). Even my skin color; I'm half white and half black for goodness sakes!!! Of course, the skin color thing can't be changed, nor would I want it to; it's just an interesting point to top it all off. It's especially interesting because I wonder at times if my skin color(s) helped dictate the dichotomy that is me. Obviously, there are plenty of other reasons and events in my life that have contributed equally to my current personality conflict (more on that later). I tend to disagree with what I'm about to say based on what I've seen, but maybe these are things that everyone goes through; perhaps a rite of passage that I'm just getting to later than my peers. Maybe so, maybe not, but now I'm left with the dilemma of how to get out of this middle man mentality, now that I recognize it. 

Is it possible to change myself that much this late? And what happens if I do "let go" so to speak? What if I go too far? What is too far? What if, upon honest reflection, everything I've chosen (or given in to) is wrong and I need to go too far? Would I be a better man for making such a bold change or for accepting what I've become and dealing with the choices I've made, even if I hate them?

It's a lot to swallow for sure. 

So, what do you do if you're in the middle?