Dearest Ms. Annie Creamcheese... of Netherton... Naturally.

I'm so glad you like my name. It personally has a bit of meaning for me but I thought it might sound cheesy to others so it pleases me that at least you like it. I personally believe your name (and bio) is much more inventive and creative and thus puts mine to shame. I have subsequently fallen for your imaginary imagination. We go on long adventures to mysterious lands... like Netherton... just so you know.

Wow, I always have a hard time responding to you and making comments on your post because I have so much to say to you. In reality, I really just wish we could discuss these things over said tea because even a blog entry is not enough to cover it but I'll do my best to make it fit. 

So.... I'm so sorry to hear about how difficult things have been. I know you're not going to believe me but you'll just have to take my word for it (plus you can't edit my blog, so it is written for time indefinite haha). You are a very special person and you deserve better. No matter what. Period. The end. Forever.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but you're definitely not alone. I'm 28 and feel the same way; like I have nothing to show for it. I mean I feel like in a lot of ways I'm worse off the older I get. Like you, the more I learn and the more I understand people, the more I realize just how screwed I am and how much I don't understand. I realize I don't fit somehow. Yet it's in such an abstract way that I don't fit, that I can't quite grasp it or find the solution for how to make it more bearable. It's led to a dizzying whirlwind of partial understanding and complete confusion that leaves me feeling more empty and alone than ever. I'm reading The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy right now (actually, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe). I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, but one of the characters goes into a machine called the Total Perspective Vortex, which is supposed to give the user (er, victim) total perspective of just how insignificant they are by showing them the entire universe and the invisible dot on top of an invisible dot that they represent. That is similar to the feeling that I, and I think you, feel. I'd throw in a bit more confusion and "what the fuck do I do now?" to the equation, but still the general idea is in tact. I'm just generally confused/baffled by people/the world/myself/myself in this world with all these people. It's consuming me too. I could go on a whole rant myself (perhaps I did; I certainly will if nothing else), but I'll spare you for now; we've got time.

Let's say we just get that van by the river together and give up. We can do a joint "fuck it!"  

Ugh, I can't believe someone would say that to you but I guess I do because I get similar comments. I'm of mixed race and I can't believe the ignorant shit that comes out of peoples mouths. People who expect me to fit in one box or the other. People who write me off before they even know me. I like to surprise people by my versatility and repertoire of interests. I refuse to be one thing to one group. Unfortunately, so many people are quite happy right in their stereotype, that my efforts often go unnoticed. I was trying to say, though, I know what you mean and it sucks. It's hard to be yourself when other people think you should be something definite. I'm sorry. My coming blogs kind of touch on some of these things we're talking about in more detail but the bottom line is: How are we supposed to thrive in a world like this?

Again, that van is sounding pretty good.

One thing I can definitely say about all this (that may or may not be of comfort) is there is a lot of time that passes between 20 and 28 (I mention 28 because that's my age and I still feel young; young enough to not completely lose hope). I can't promise you that you will figure things out. In fact, chances are you won't, but you have a ton of time to try to make peace with some things and at least find your place in it. Wow, I feel like everything I'm saying is just cliche bullshit, especially since I'm more confused than ever, but I really mean it.

Feel free to email me too. I don't see a link to email you but mine is on my profile page. I actually had this crazy idea for a blog you and I create, solely devoted to chatting/responding to each other, but then I thought, "That's basically complicating the email process." I still may like the idea after all though haha.

Oh yes, and I will read The Golden Notebook. I'm prepared to never be the same. Sort of.

I Knew It...

Well, I was afraid I would do this; and I didn't disappoint. Somehow, I ended up writing for other people and when other people aren't reading, the writing tapers off. Well, it's not simply that others weren't reading; there's more to it than that. I know a lot of bloggers kind of slow down during the summer months, busy with vacations and general summer frivolity. I wish I could say that were the case with me, but unfortunately I've had a fairly boring summer. I also wish I could blame it on work, but work for me has been part-time at best. Part of it I can finger (no pun intended) on my investment in pursuing extramarital relationships (to little or no avail; more on that later). But the real reason for my blog avoidance? I'm fucking lazy and I procrastinate. Oh and I'm easily distracted.

I don't know what it is, but I've always been that way. I don't remember when this happened but I do remember several instances, as early as fourth grade, where I procrastinated and had to do some pretty questionable things to cover my little 9 year old ass; and it's been the same ever since. For instance, in fourth grade, I developed a terrible habit of not finishing my homework, thus my grades began to slip... a lot. Hard to believe huh? Anyway, my teacher made me start taking my assignment notebook (the little red book we used to keep track of our daily assignments) home so that my mom could sign it everyday, upon completion of the days homework. So what did I do with that idea? I decided, because it was easier than actually doing the work, to forge my mom's signature. Yep that's right, 9 years old forging my mom's signature to continue my spree of irresponsibility. I can't quite pinpoint how I got to be this way or if it's just in my genes. In one of the most fascinating conversations I've ever had with my grandma, she claimed that she's a major procrastinator and that I probably get that from her, though I've never seen any evidence. Anyway, there are a couple reasons why I'm so curious when and why this started; I have a couple theories as well.

I'm especially fascinated with the idea that it started that very year (9 years old/fourth grade) as it was the same year that my parents divorced and my earliest memories of being disconnected in the aforementioned ways. I don't necessarily understand what the connection would be to my parents divorcing, except that I was just a sad little boy and lost interest in things.

Another possible theory I have relates to the epilepsy I had as a teenager. I've noticed some interesting physical effects that, in my mind, could be blamed on neurological trauma induced by seizures. Why should the way my mind works be any different? If something about my wiring were damaged during my seizures, that would seem to at least play some part in my inability to focus and complete things (this blog haha).

Maybe it's the combination. Or perhaps it's something totally different like ADD or something but either way I need some kind of solution because it's played a MAJOR role in my life ever since.

In reflection, nearly every part of my life has been affected in some way or another by my laziness, procrastination and general lack of focus: relationships, money/credit, career, daily life. I'm tired of the hold it's had on me and I need a way out of it, or at least a way to deal. What that is I don't know. 

Ok that's enough of a rant for now. My main purpose was to say I'm not giving up on this blog and I'm going to stop writing for other people; this is really the only place I can be honest with myself and I need this.