Finally!!!

Finally, something I can work with! At long last (bear in mind my week out of town, preceded by an indefinite period without prior), we finally had sex! And believe it or not, it was amazing! It wasn't the craziest sex in the world, but it was exciting nonetheless. I don't need insanely crazy sex anyways. I'm not sure if that's because I honestly don't need crazy, kinky sex or if it's because my expectations are so low these days. Of course, if it was offered I wouldn't turn it down. OK I guess, being honest with myself, I am pretty kinky and would enjoy being with someone that adventurous sexually. Actually, I've never really been with someone who was able to challenge me sexually (more on that later). I wonder why. Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked. I was saying, low expectations or not, it was pretty sexy. 

One of the sexiest parts was the spontaneity; something that has been sorely missing from our sex life. Everything seems so planned, so often, that a sudden, unexpected jumping can be as exciting as the sex itself. So, we were getting ready to leave for dinner and I decided to kiss her; no expectations, just a simple kiss. Feeling her tender lips between mine, I had to have another, and another, and another; each kiss getting longer and more intense than the former. Still I kept my expectations in check and was happy just to enjoy the simple pleasure of kissing that, sadly, too can easily be forgotten as years go by in a marriage. No sooner had I tempered my desires, sure that nothing would happen, especially with dinner pending, then she had removed her shirt. It's kind of a difficult thing to describe, but seeing a woman's shirt pass just past the fullest point of her breast (generally the nipple) accomplishing both the exposing of said nipple and a slight jiggle as the shirt releases the tension on the breasts instantly drives me crazy; and this time was no exception. All my hard work to contain myself was hastily undone. 

Quickly, we removed our clothing and began making out, first standing then lying in bed. Our hands and mouths searched each others bodies. I started, first, gently kissing her neck, biting occasionally, gradually moving down to her perfect breasts. I lightly kissed her breasts; gently licking, sucking and nibbling her sensitive nipples. She stroked my hard cock while I massaged her increasingly wet pussy lips and clit. We alternated between overt sexual caresses and strong, emotional embraces. Holding each other tightly we kissed passionately almost as if to prove this was just as much about love as it was sex. To me, our love life and sex life are intertwined. At times, tends to treat them like they're two separate things for some reason, but that's another rant for another time. Anyways, we continued kissing and as she opened her legs, I pushed my pelvis into the void. She pushed her pelvis into mine and the angle allowed me to slide the top side of my cock along her now very wet pussy lips. Every so often, I would put just the tip, not even the whole head, of my cock into her, pull it out and rub the mixture of her juice and my precum along her pussy lips with my cock. Finally, I couldn't take anymore. The feeling of my cock sliding along her pussy, straining to feel its slick warmth envelop me was too much to bear.

I pulled her on top of me, gently sliding her down on my aching cock. She was a little tight and sore at first, given the length of time since our last session, but caution was soon abandoned as her pussy conformed and welcomed my cock. We started with slow, shallow movements but quickly gained speed and intensity. Her deliberate tightening around my cock and grinding into me made me lustfully insane. A woman who really rides me hard has always done it for me, after all. Though it felt incredible, being wrapped tightly in her hot pussy, I occasionally would pull out, teasing her with just the head, then thrusting forcefully back into her.

I knew she was getting close and that she likes to be taken, so I rolled her onto her back and swiftly shoved my cock into her eager pussy. She moaned as I pushed myself into her as far as I could. I took several long, deep strokes. Grabbing my hips she drove me into her harder and faster. She was getting closer, and I as well. Finally, with little notice, almost as if she was caught off guard, her moans became louder and more frantic. Her chest rose and fell, her hips pushing against my rhythmic thrusting. Quickly I felt a wave of overwhelming sensation, and my shaft began to jerk in pleasure as she encouraged me to keep going. I continued moving in and out, as much as the sensitivity would allow, until my pulsing shaft had finished filling her with my cum and her groaning subsided. It took awhile but we finally composed ourselves and finished getting ready for a well earned dinner.  

Like I said, it wasn't the craziest sex ever but it was certainly more spontaneous and passionate than I've become used to!

I Can't Even Cheat Right!

Wow, this is frustrating!

There are two women I've been talking to, both with my freshly hatched idea of cheating. Both were going well, and I'm actually still talking to one of them. Here's the frustrating part though: I can get a woman interested in me, but I can't take it to the next level. 

Mind you, this is nothing new in my life; I just thought I was beyond it after being married for a number of years, growing up and hopefully learning something along the way haha. I guess not though, damn! Here's a little history on me: Traditionally, I'm too nice, too respectful and too much of a good guy. In other words girls think, "I like you but I won't fuck you." 

So here's what happened: Girl 1 (I'll call her Anne) lives near me. We started chatting and found an instant connection. We're both in the same situation; passionate persons with spouses that don't really seem to care for sex, leaving us looking for a way to fill that void. We've been chatting for awhile and honestly, it could still happen. So what's the problem? I think I got too close, emotionally. I'm not sure when this happened exactly but at some point I think I became too caring and gave her the idea that I'm better as a friend than as a way to sooth her aching loins haha. Story of my life. *sigh* Again, if could still happen but I have a very strong feeling that it won't work out in quite the intended way, given the way it's shaping up now. 

Girl 2 (no name necessary as her story starts and stops here haha) lives in Texas (which is where I was on the aforementioned unexpected trip). This one really frustrates me because this one was going to be HOT! And there were was no emotional attachment, as there wasn't really time for my typical flaming nosedive into the friendzone. Anyways, I talked to her on the phone, and things were great. We talked for five hours; had some hot phone sex and everything looked like a go. I know she was nervous about meeting a stranger from out of town but nevertheless she agreed to meet me at work. The meeting itself seemed ok but upon further reflection I should have given her my room key. She hinted to it the previous night on the phone but honestly (and I think this is reasonable) I was a little nervous to give my room key to someone I knew for less than 24 hours. I was at work too, so I was, needless to say, a little distracted, worried that I'd get caught. I also didn't want to assume. We had never met before and, though we were on a tight schedule given that it was my last night in Texas, I didn't want to put the pressure on her to come to my room if she wasn't comfortable or didn't like what she saw when we met. So I told her to call my room later if she wanted or I'd email her when I got back, as my cell wasn't working there for some reason. No call. I tried to email her, but no answer while I was there (or when I got back), so I can only assume that the initial meeting didn't go well. 

So here I am now, confused beyond belief. Why is it that I can get a woman to like me but I can't get her to fuck me? What about my personality draws women to me, but not as anything other than a friend?

The biggest problem is I don't know how to change it, especially because I was raised to believe these qualities are what women are looking for. It doesn't help either that you women are always telling us you want nice guys, when you actually don't. Or maybe you do, and I somehow am just too nice (if there is such a thing; seems ridiculous haha). Either way it sucks, because it's so ingrained in me that it would take some serious changing to fix it, assuming it's even possible. This is actually yet another perfect example of how being reasonable and "nice" seemingly would be an advantage but has really worked against me.

I'll expound later on this, but I even wonder if this is part of the problem with my wife and me. Maybe, I just make things too comfortable. It sounds kind of weird to say this, but maybe a relationship needs some pressure. Maybe I need to be a little bit of a dick sometimes. Perhaps she's just gotten too used to me being easy going with her; no real pressure for sex, no threat of me being a jerk to her, no sexual (or emotional) tension. Nothing has to be earned, it's always given. Again this seems like a strange concept to me, to make someone "earn" something in a marriage but it kind of makes sense too. I mean, maybe we both "have" each other too much or too easily and we get lazy. Hmmm...

The Inevitable Return

So I was gone for a bit on an unexpected trip but I'm back. That is all. Actually, there were a couple things that happened on this trip worth mentioning, I'm just too tired to write it right now.

Why Won't She Fuck Me?

I don't think I've mentioned this so far, but I'm a married man with a problem that is quite difficult to ignore. I know I'm definitely not the only guy (or person for that matter) facing this problem but I'm at least the only person in this marriage facing it; which, to be honest, pisses me off.

Anyways, my wife won't fuck me. I suppose I should say it's not that she won't fuck me; rather it's that she very rarely fucks me and said fucking is boring at best.

There are actually several things that make this especially weird and confusing to me. Here are a few examples: First, I'm definitely a "pleaser" in bed. I'm not above much when it comes to her pleasure. I'll lick, suck, caress, nibble, pinch and kiss whatever she likes. I'll fuck her roughly or make love to her gently; either way she likes, or both. She praises me for my "abilities" (when she actually takes advantage of them) and tells me I'm amazing, so it's not like she can say that I'm a poor or selfish lover. I make sure to give her attention outside of the bedroom. In fact, I may spend too much time with her, so it's not like she can say that we don't spend quality time together outside of sex. I also make a point to let her know often (very often) that I think she's beautiful too. Then there's this: In a case like this many think, and often correctly so, that their significant other is cheating. However, I know she's not cheating. I'm sure everyone says that but this I know for a fact. She loves me too much to even consider it, in fact, she's perhaps a little too in love with me, thus I can rule that out. 

Without droning through every possible scenario, I really don't know why the sex is the way it is. I don't know, maybe she's just simply not needing much sex. What I do know, though, is that it drives me nuts and it's led me to an interesting conclusion. 

I've been thinking about it for awhile but very recently finally got serious about it. I'm going to cheat. I don't think it's fair that all of her needs are met and mine are so severely ignored. Sometimes it makes me feel lonely, sometimes angry because I would do anything for her and in this area it seems like she wouldn't for me; it feels so inconsiderate. Anyways, I think I've made peace with the fact that sex just isn't a big deal to her and I can't change who she is. Likewise, neither she nor I can change who I am, and so, all these things considered I've come to my decision to cheat. *sigh*

Attention

What the fuck is that? Why do you (my wife) demand so much attention and love from me but when it comes down to choosing between me and your mother you will invariably pick her? 

Case in point: you called me from work today while on lunch. Sad that you were having a bad day and needing some comfort, you asked to to drive over there. First, it's kind of irritating that you expect me to drop whatever I'm doing to drive over and comfort you anyways (more on the comforting thing later). Never mind that part though, here's what really bothers me. Since I couldn't make it, I said I'd stay on the phone with you until you had to go back, which I thought was fair. You could have vented to me, I would have listened and offered all the "awww, baby"s, "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s you could ask for, but instead you said "It's ok, I'll just call my mom."

What the fuck is that?!

I know you're close to her and she's a great lady, don't get me wrong, but it seems strange how you need my love/comfort so badly one minute, only to discard it for your mothers the next. I know moms have super powers and it wouldn't be so bad except that it happens so often. What's more frustrating is, when I bring it up, you give me this look like I'm crazy, like I'm being totally ridiculous, and say "You know it's pretty normal for a girl to be this close to her mom." I don't doubt that, and actually, I have no problem with you guys being close, it's just that so often your relationship with her steps on our relationships toes, but you don't see it.  Am I being ridiculous? Is there any chance that perhaps you're even partially wrong? Am I so hard to talk to? I mean, I feel like I listen patiently and attentively, but I guess it's just different with her. Who do I turn to when I need help or when I need to talk though? You. Maybe it's just another thing, in a long list of things, that I will never get. What I do get is that it's frustrating.

The Middle Man

So, what do you do if you're in the middle?

What do you do if every choice you've ever made (or not made) was made with such unerring and unflinching reason that it actually hindered you from progressing? 

The weird thing (at least to me) is that everyone I know is striving for balance and for reasonableness and they, with their bad tempers, their excesses, their selfishness and like "character flaws" have become successful (in some way or another) during said search, while I, have almost reasoned my way out of success and happiness. I'm going to get much further into this so don't worry if it doesn't make sense right now. 

By the way, this is as good a time as any to warn you that I tend to be a bit verbose and this blog is purely for my own purging (possibly scatterbrained) purposes. That being said, I'm not writing this to entertain anyone and as such you may become bored and/or confused. Maybe not though; who knows?

Anyways, back to my original thought. It's very interesting to me just how far in the middle I am when I really think about it; this being a very recent revelation. It too interests me how this reasonableness has "capped" my potential and has recently led me to question everything about me.  This could be a whole separate post (or posts) altogether but consider these points for now: I've never been in a real fight. I've always been the mediator between family, friends, enemies, whoever. I'm talented but not too talented. I'm simultaneously motivated and lazy. I'm happy (or should be) but feel something constantly telling me I need more. I'm just average looking. I'm good with words but have a hard time expressing myself, at least in person (I tend to express myself better in writing so hopefully I do a better job of that here haha). Even my skin color; I'm half white and half black for goodness sakes!!! Of course, the skin color thing can't be changed, nor would I want it to; it's just an interesting point to top it all off. It's especially interesting because I wonder at times if my skin color(s) helped dictate the dichotomy that is me. Obviously, there are plenty of other reasons and events in my life that have contributed equally to my current personality conflict (more on that later). I tend to disagree with what I'm about to say based on what I've seen, but maybe these are things that everyone goes through; perhaps a rite of passage that I'm just getting to later than my peers. Maybe so, maybe not, but now I'm left with the dilemma of how to get out of this middle man mentality, now that I recognize it. 

Is it possible to change myself that much this late? And what happens if I do "let go" so to speak? What if I go too far? What is too far? What if, upon honest reflection, everything I've chosen (or given in to) is wrong and I need to go too far? Would I be a better man for making such a bold change or for accepting what I've become and dealing with the choices I've made, even if I hate them?

It's a lot to swallow for sure. 

So, what do you do if you're in the middle?