The Middle Man

So, what do you do if you're in the middle?

What do you do if every choice you've ever made (or not made) was made with such unerring and unflinching reason that it actually hindered you from progressing? 

The weird thing (at least to me) is that everyone I know is striving for balance and for reasonableness and they, with their bad tempers, their excesses, their selfishness and like "character flaws" have become successful (in some way or another) during said search, while I, have almost reasoned my way out of success and happiness. I'm going to get much further into this so don't worry if it doesn't make sense right now. 

By the way, this is as good a time as any to warn you that I tend to be a bit verbose and this blog is purely for my own purging (possibly scatterbrained) purposes. That being said, I'm not writing this to entertain anyone and as such you may become bored and/or confused. Maybe not though; who knows?

Anyways, back to my original thought. It's very interesting to me just how far in the middle I am when I really think about it; this being a very recent revelation. It too interests me how this reasonableness has "capped" my potential and has recently led me to question everything about me.  This could be a whole separate post (or posts) altogether but consider these points for now: I've never been in a real fight. I've always been the mediator between family, friends, enemies, whoever. I'm talented but not too talented. I'm simultaneously motivated and lazy. I'm happy (or should be) but feel something constantly telling me I need more. I'm just average looking. I'm good with words but have a hard time expressing myself, at least in person (I tend to express myself better in writing so hopefully I do a better job of that here haha). Even my skin color; I'm half white and half black for goodness sakes!!! Of course, the skin color thing can't be changed, nor would I want it to; it's just an interesting point to top it all off. It's especially interesting because I wonder at times if my skin color(s) helped dictate the dichotomy that is me. Obviously, there are plenty of other reasons and events in my life that have contributed equally to my current personality conflict (more on that later). I tend to disagree with what I'm about to say based on what I've seen, but maybe these are things that everyone goes through; perhaps a rite of passage that I'm just getting to later than my peers. Maybe so, maybe not, but now I'm left with the dilemma of how to get out of this middle man mentality, now that I recognize it. 

Is it possible to change myself that much this late? And what happens if I do "let go" so to speak? What if I go too far? What is too far? What if, upon honest reflection, everything I've chosen (or given in to) is wrong and I need to go too far? Would I be a better man for making such a bold change or for accepting what I've become and dealing with the choices I've made, even if I hate them?

It's a lot to swallow for sure. 

So, what do you do if you're in the middle?