I Suck Again!

So, I'm going to try this blog thing... again. This was an active blog awhile ago and it was actually going pretty well. Don't worry if you don't recall the blog; chances are you didn't read it. Actually, in that case, you're probably not reading this either. Wait, why am I spending so much time explaining this to you if you're not reading this. Haha anyway, I was writing often and it helped me get through some pretty difficult stuff that was going on at the time, but like many things I enjoy, I unintentionally got lazy with it and haven't written anything on it in about 3+ years.

While things have changed incredibly since then, I'm having a hard time lately and its been difficult to even express it. I often even have a difficult time figuring out what I'm so upset about, much less expressing it in a clear way. Sometimes, I feel like I'm close to figuring out what's bothering me or what I need to do, but it quickly turns into a convoluted mess in my head. Hence a return to this blog.... a place to rant and indulge this oft tangled mess of thoughts in an organized way. Not too organized though. I avoid saying (or doing) things too often because I feel like they have to be organized before I say or do them. I edit too much...

I also miss people like Ms. Annie Creamcheese and hope to get back in touch!

Please proceed to the next post hear more about that business....Random memory - remember the children's read-along books that told you to turn the page when you hear the chimes?

Quick One

In the spirit of keeping up with this blog, I'm going to go ahead and post a quick one; even though I'm inclined to make this much harder than it has to be haha.

So, I'm simultaneously happy and disappointed tonight. I've been chatting with a fantastic woman recently (more details coming soon; which I say all the time but I mean it) and we were supposed to meet in person tomorrow but for quite tragic reasons, she had to postpone.

It's ok, I'm really glad to have met her and I know we'll still meet soon, I just don't know how long till we'll be able to and patience is not one of my shining qualities.

Oh yes and we'll call her Amanda. 

The Pipes Are Backed Up

Ugh, this right here is exactly why I hate when I do this whole "procrastination" thing I'm so famous for; the pipes get all backed up.

I, quite literally have about 15-20 drafts just sitting here because even though I took a break from posting, I'd still have these brief moments where I try to get back into it, jot a jumbled thought of a paragraph down and never complete the idea, much less post it. So, I'm now faced with the task of reading each one, realizing either I don't feel the way I did when I wrote it or that the information within is now completely incorrect (because so much time has passed since the original draft was made), then deciding whether it's even worth posting or not and trying to complete a thought from a month ago. These little breaks also screw the whole chronology of everything up because....

No. Fuck it. I'm putting way too much thought into this. I'm going against the original intention of this blog. I'm going to just put it out there. Fuck the order. Fuck the feelings that have since been voided. Fuck all of the complications. No more bullshit excuses. Just write.

Ok then, I will.

Dearest Ms. Annie Creamcheese... of Netherton... Naturally.

I'm so glad you like my name. It personally has a bit of meaning for me but I thought it might sound cheesy to others so it pleases me that at least you like it. I personally believe your name (and bio) is much more inventive and creative and thus puts mine to shame. I have subsequently fallen for your imaginary imagination. We go on long adventures to mysterious lands... like Netherton... just so you know.

Wow, I always have a hard time responding to you and making comments on your post because I have so much to say to you. In reality, I really just wish we could discuss these things over said tea because even a blog entry is not enough to cover it but I'll do my best to make it fit. 

So.... I'm so sorry to hear about how difficult things have been. I know you're not going to believe me but you'll just have to take my word for it (plus you can't edit my blog, so it is written for time indefinite haha). You are a very special person and you deserve better. No matter what. Period. The end. Forever.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but you're definitely not alone. I'm 28 and feel the same way; like I have nothing to show for it. I mean I feel like in a lot of ways I'm worse off the older I get. Like you, the more I learn and the more I understand people, the more I realize just how screwed I am and how much I don't understand. I realize I don't fit somehow. Yet it's in such an abstract way that I don't fit, that I can't quite grasp it or find the solution for how to make it more bearable. It's led to a dizzying whirlwind of partial understanding and complete confusion that leaves me feeling more empty and alone than ever. I'm reading The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy right now (actually, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe). I'm not sure if you're familiar with it, but one of the characters goes into a machine called the Total Perspective Vortex, which is supposed to give the user (er, victim) total perspective of just how insignificant they are by showing them the entire universe and the invisible dot on top of an invisible dot that they represent. That is similar to the feeling that I, and I think you, feel. I'd throw in a bit more confusion and "what the fuck do I do now?" to the equation, but still the general idea is in tact. I'm just generally confused/baffled by people/the world/myself/myself in this world with all these people. It's consuming me too. I could go on a whole rant myself (perhaps I did; I certainly will if nothing else), but I'll spare you for now; we've got time.

Let's say we just get that van by the river together and give up. We can do a joint "fuck it!"  

Ugh, I can't believe someone would say that to you but I guess I do because I get similar comments. I'm of mixed race and I can't believe the ignorant shit that comes out of peoples mouths. People who expect me to fit in one box or the other. People who write me off before they even know me. I like to surprise people by my versatility and repertoire of interests. I refuse to be one thing to one group. Unfortunately, so many people are quite happy right in their stereotype, that my efforts often go unnoticed. I was trying to say, though, I know what you mean and it sucks. It's hard to be yourself when other people think you should be something definite. I'm sorry. My coming blogs kind of touch on some of these things we're talking about in more detail but the bottom line is: How are we supposed to thrive in a world like this?

Again, that van is sounding pretty good.

One thing I can definitely say about all this (that may or may not be of comfort) is there is a lot of time that passes between 20 and 28 (I mention 28 because that's my age and I still feel young; young enough to not completely lose hope). I can't promise you that you will figure things out. In fact, chances are you won't, but you have a ton of time to try to make peace with some things and at least find your place in it. Wow, I feel like everything I'm saying is just cliche bullshit, especially since I'm more confused than ever, but I really mean it.

Feel free to email me too. I don't see a link to email you but mine is on my profile page. I actually had this crazy idea for a blog you and I create, solely devoted to chatting/responding to each other, but then I thought, "That's basically complicating the email process." I still may like the idea after all though haha.

Oh yes, and I will read The Golden Notebook. I'm prepared to never be the same. Sort of.

I Knew It...

Well, I was afraid I would do this; and I didn't disappoint. Somehow, I ended up writing for other people and when other people aren't reading, the writing tapers off. Well, it's not simply that others weren't reading; there's more to it than that. I know a lot of bloggers kind of slow down during the summer months, busy with vacations and general summer frivolity. I wish I could say that were the case with me, but unfortunately I've had a fairly boring summer. I also wish I could blame it on work, but work for me has been part-time at best. Part of it I can finger (no pun intended) on my investment in pursuing extramarital relationships (to little or no avail; more on that later). But the real reason for my blog avoidance? I'm fucking lazy and I procrastinate. Oh and I'm easily distracted.

I don't know what it is, but I've always been that way. I don't remember when this happened but I do remember several instances, as early as fourth grade, where I procrastinated and had to do some pretty questionable things to cover my little 9 year old ass; and it's been the same ever since. For instance, in fourth grade, I developed a terrible habit of not finishing my homework, thus my grades began to slip... a lot. Hard to believe huh? Anyway, my teacher made me start taking my assignment notebook (the little red book we used to keep track of our daily assignments) home so that my mom could sign it everyday, upon completion of the days homework. So what did I do with that idea? I decided, because it was easier than actually doing the work, to forge my mom's signature. Yep that's right, 9 years old forging my mom's signature to continue my spree of irresponsibility. I can't quite pinpoint how I got to be this way or if it's just in my genes. In one of the most fascinating conversations I've ever had with my grandma, she claimed that she's a major procrastinator and that I probably get that from her, though I've never seen any evidence. Anyway, there are a couple reasons why I'm so curious when and why this started; I have a couple theories as well.

I'm especially fascinated with the idea that it started that very year (9 years old/fourth grade) as it was the same year that my parents divorced and my earliest memories of being disconnected in the aforementioned ways. I don't necessarily understand what the connection would be to my parents divorcing, except that I was just a sad little boy and lost interest in things.

Another possible theory I have relates to the epilepsy I had as a teenager. I've noticed some interesting physical effects that, in my mind, could be blamed on neurological trauma induced by seizures. Why should the way my mind works be any different? If something about my wiring were damaged during my seizures, that would seem to at least play some part in my inability to focus and complete things (this blog haha).

Maybe it's the combination. Or perhaps it's something totally different like ADD or something but either way I need some kind of solution because it's played a MAJOR role in my life ever since.

In reflection, nearly every part of my life has been affected in some way or another by my laziness, procrastination and general lack of focus: relationships, money/credit, career, daily life. I'm tired of the hold it's had on me and I need a way out of it, or at least a way to deal. What that is I don't know. 

Ok that's enough of a rant for now. My main purpose was to say I'm not giving up on this blog and I'm going to stop writing for other people; this is really the only place I can be honest with myself and I need this.

Where I'm At...

Wow, I think I may be the worst blogger ever! Okay maybe not the worst but I definitely need to get back on it. 

Hmmm... I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll just start with the "interest" that has kept me from blogging in the first place. This "interest" was a romantic one; let's call her Crystal. 

Crystal and I actually started chatting a couple months ago and we became romantic quite by accident. I found her on craigslist and her ad detailed how she wasn't looking for anything serious right away but that she missed having a deep connection with someone. I've been feeling incredibly lonely lately, so some kind of deep connection with someone sounded amazing, so we started emailing. At first it was pretty nonchalant and carefree, which was perfect considering my situation. Our digital conversations weren't something I went out of my way for at first, but as unaffected as we both tried to be, it was pretty evident that we kind of got each other; which I haven't experienced in a long time. Weekly emails became daily emails became hourly emails; when time allowed, of course. We soon began talking on the phone and, sure enough, we hit it off there too. Unfortunately, we were actually hitting it off a little too well, too quickly and we kind of went against the plan. We originally planned to go nice and extremely slow as we wanted to really find a connection, free of vanity and superficiality; even if all we ended up as was friends. Well, that didn't exactly work. We ended up talking for several hours every night, fooling ourselves into thinking it was strictly platonic. Finally, we met in person and had some pretty intense make-out sessions. We deliberately avoided actually having sex, believing that we were still somehow taking it slow, though we both knew the truth. Things kept getting more serious and despite our various situations we were finally honest with ourselves and started being more forthcoming about our true feelings. Anyway, I'll cut through some of this shit because, long story short, it didn't work out. 

I'm still kind of numb and a little bitter from it so I don't particularly feel like dwelling on all of the details of what happened but the reason I brought all of this up is two-fold. Partly, it's to explain why I've been so out of touch with blogging and, well, life in general. I actually wish I would have chronicled some of this during the whole thing instead of after when I'm kind of tight-lipped about it, but oh well. The other reason I bring it up now is because this whole thing with Crystal has brought up some very interesting feelings and questions within me. This whole thing has left me a little disillusioned. It left me wondering what I'm doing with my life and what I'm going to do about it. It's made we wonder how happy, if at all, I am with my wife. Honestly, though it's crossed my mind several times, Crystal made me for the first time think seriously about whether I want to end it with my wife. I don't want to throw it all away on a whim and knowing what I know now I'm glad I didn't (at least for Crystal) but it's got me seriously questioning how happy I really am. And don't get me wrong, I know marriage is hard and they take a lot of work but how much work should it take? Should I feel like I'm the only one working at it? Isn't it bad that sometimes I feel like I'm forcing it more than working on it? Should I be the only one changing?

*sigh* I don't know what the fuck to do... More later. Seriously, I'm committed to not letting this blog become another half-assed project haha. 

Unexcusable Blogging Error

I've been a horrible blogger lately. I've neglected writing in my personal blog and reading my favorite blogs by others. I've just generally been worthless; even outside of blogging. This is due, in part, because much of my time has been occupied with a new interest (I promise I'll elaborate), and partly because I've been incredibly sick; with allergies to top it off. Please forgive me, I'll do better.