Where I'm At...

Wow, I think I may be the worst blogger ever! Okay maybe not the worst but I definitely need to get back on it. 

Hmmm... I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll just start with the "interest" that has kept me from blogging in the first place. This "interest" was a romantic one; let's call her Crystal. 

Crystal and I actually started chatting a couple months ago and we became romantic quite by accident. I found her on craigslist and her ad detailed how she wasn't looking for anything serious right away but that she missed having a deep connection with someone. I've been feeling incredibly lonely lately, so some kind of deep connection with someone sounded amazing, so we started emailing. At first it was pretty nonchalant and carefree, which was perfect considering my situation. Our digital conversations weren't something I went out of my way for at first, but as unaffected as we both tried to be, it was pretty evident that we kind of got each other; which I haven't experienced in a long time. Weekly emails became daily emails became hourly emails; when time allowed, of course. We soon began talking on the phone and, sure enough, we hit it off there too. Unfortunately, we were actually hitting it off a little too well, too quickly and we kind of went against the plan. We originally planned to go nice and extremely slow as we wanted to really find a connection, free of vanity and superficiality; even if all we ended up as was friends. Well, that didn't exactly work. We ended up talking for several hours every night, fooling ourselves into thinking it was strictly platonic. Finally, we met in person and had some pretty intense make-out sessions. We deliberately avoided actually having sex, believing that we were still somehow taking it slow, though we both knew the truth. Things kept getting more serious and despite our various situations we were finally honest with ourselves and started being more forthcoming about our true feelings. Anyway, I'll cut through some of this shit because, long story short, it didn't work out. 

I'm still kind of numb and a little bitter from it so I don't particularly feel like dwelling on all of the details of what happened but the reason I brought all of this up is two-fold. Partly, it's to explain why I've been so out of touch with blogging and, well, life in general. I actually wish I would have chronicled some of this during the whole thing instead of after when I'm kind of tight-lipped about it, but oh well. The other reason I bring it up now is because this whole thing with Crystal has brought up some very interesting feelings and questions within me. This whole thing has left me a little disillusioned. It left me wondering what I'm doing with my life and what I'm going to do about it. It's made we wonder how happy, if at all, I am with my wife. Honestly, though it's crossed my mind several times, Crystal made me for the first time think seriously about whether I want to end it with my wife. I don't want to throw it all away on a whim and knowing what I know now I'm glad I didn't (at least for Crystal) but it's got me seriously questioning how happy I really am. And don't get me wrong, I know marriage is hard and they take a lot of work but how much work should it take? Should I feel like I'm the only one working at it? Isn't it bad that sometimes I feel like I'm forcing it more than working on it? Should I be the only one changing?

*sigh* I don't know what the fuck to do... More later. Seriously, I'm committed to not letting this blog become another half-assed project haha. 

Unexcusable Blogging Error

I've been a horrible blogger lately. I've neglected writing in my personal blog and reading my favorite blogs by others. I've just generally been worthless; even outside of blogging. This is due, in part, because much of my time has been occupied with a new interest (I promise I'll elaborate), and partly because I've been incredibly sick; with allergies to top it off. Please forgive me, I'll do better.

Little Dragon

I appear to be a bit obsessed with this band (Little Dragon) lately and these two songs in particular put me in this extremely romantic/pensive/tingling state. A number of songs/bands do this to me, but Little Dragon has been rocking it the hardest lately. I love this very unique, intangible, almost indescribable sensation I get when listening to something like this! It's like an overwhelming, totally enveloping 4 to 5 minutes of romantic idealism; that feeling that you have as a teenager that you realize is much harder to come by as an adult than you thought. I know, I kind of sound like a girl; I don't care though! Did I mention these also happen to be two of the sexiest songs on the planet? God I love it!

It doesn't help that I also happen to be having some pretty... um... interesting feelings about someone.... more to come.

Scary Sexy

Ugh... I procrastinated again, but finally finished what I was going to post before the weekend.....

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm thinking. Seriously, what drives me to make some of the possibly worst decisions ever? The following story is why I wonder such things. Don't forget the disclaimer by the way.

It was around 12:30am, the Sunday before this. My wife had just gone to bed and I, still admittedly a bit intoxicated decided to stay up; which is my custom, inebriated or not. I checked my email and am surprised to find a response to a craigslist ad I posted some time ago. The ad was basically, a brief description of my situation and a more detailed picture (not an actual photo) of what I was looking for. Anyway, the response I got sounded a bit strange. She explained how she wanted to help me with my near sexless marriage by teaching me a few things that would make my wife more interested in sex, and if nothing else, we could just have some fun, NSA sex. Needless to say, what she said and the strange way she said it, put me a little on edge. My interest piqued, I wrote her a brief, tentative email saying that I was in fact, interested, though I wanted to hear more from her before I was sold, as it smelled an awful lot like spam or scam. A few minutes later, right before I log off deciding it's finally time for bed, I get a response from her wherein she informs me that she's house-sitting/dog-sitting for a friend near where I live, she's had too much wine and that I should come over because she's incredibly horny. She even boasted her flexibility, explaining that she was a former gymnast and figure skater. Ridiculous, right? Now, I'd be lying if I said all of this didn't get me a little excited but there were still a couple major reservations rolling around in my head despite my intoxicated state. It sounded quite strange that a 29 year old former gymnast/figure skater, house-sitting all alone, would invite me over very late at night to teach me some tricks to save my marriage. However, I had to find out what was going on.

We exchanged a few rapid-fire emails and somewhere along the line she must have said something to simultaneously convince me and get me all turned on.

So, all full of piss and vinegar (in this instance the saying should go, "all full of sperm and vodka"), I decide to sneak into our room, trying not to wake my wife in the process, get some clothes on and go over to trusty ole Michelle's house.

Like a zombie whose main objective is obtaining flesh, I drive over there, park and make the long walk to the door. My thought process, from the time I exited my door to the time I got to hers, went something like this: "What the fuck are you thinking? You've been drinking, now you're driving? You don't know who she is! What if she is a he? Could even be a group of guys pretending to be a girl and when I get there they're going to rob me; or worse. OK, maybe I'm just being paranoid. But it's 2am and your wife normally gets up to check on you if too much time passes before you go to bed. I bet she calls me to see where I am. How do you know this isn't a man?  What if she's underage? This whole thing seems like a bad idea. A drunk, former gymnast wants to teach me some tricks? Seriously? She's not answering the door and it's kind of dark in there. I don't like this. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. What the fuck are you thinking?" Unfortunately, that thought process was great company on the drive over but didn't manage to talk any sense into me and before I knew it she was answering the door. The only thought I could manage at that point was, "Well, it's too late now." 

She very politely gave me a hug, offered me a drink and talked with me for a moment in the kitchen. True to her email, she asked me questions about the sex in our marriage, which isn't the biggest turn-on right before extramarital sex, but it did make me more comfortable with her and one by one my walls come down as I realize, she actually is just a horny, drunk 29 year old, who wants to help and just like me is taking quite a few risks by asking a strange man to come over at  in the morning. She even had her papers showing a clean bill of sexual health, fresh as of a few weeks ago, which is pretty ironic considering how much I panicked about coming over. Once I got over my initial fears, it turned out she was actually safer than some I've talked to for much longer... and met in daylight!

When we finally got to it, the sex was good, though definitely not the best. In fact there were times when it wasn't even good, to be honest. I'm not sure if she had too much to drink to be effective (I was coming off my buzz unfortunately) or if her idea of good sex and mine were a bit off but there was definitely a disconnect somewhere. For instance, she got on top and was riding me pretty hard, which I love, but once she got really into it she did this grinding thing that bent my cock in a very unpleasant way and basically pried it out of her. Several times, we had to stop to put it back in, she'd apologize and we'd start again. Everything would work well, till she got too into it and sure enough, pain then pop. I will say this though, her little gymnast body was pretty amazing and it was kind of fun to be with someone so flexible. I actually tend to like curvier women but it was kind of fun being with someone with that kind of flexibility. I have no idea if she was ever a gymnast or a figure skater but her flexibility sure didn't contradict her claims.

Afterwards, reality flooding back into my mind, I got back into my car and pondered what awaited me when I returned home. Curious how my entrance would be received, I pictured her waiting anxiously in a rocking chair, like a parent waiting for a rebellious teen. I imagined her searching the apartment and realizing I was gone, calling and asking me what the fuck I was doing out at 5am. After what seemed like an endless journey home, I cracked the front door and was pleasantly surprised to find the apartment just as I left it. She's gotten to be a heavier sleeper over the years and never have I appreciated it more.  

In all reality, as safe as Michelle was and as much fun as it ended up being, I don't think I'll be doing anything that potentially dangerous again; no matter how hot she is or how much I have to drink. Although, I've said similar things before. God I hope I can keep my promise this time.

Disclaimer

So before I post my next "story" I feel it necessary to issue the following disclaimer. 

**Please bear in mind, the events depicted in previous posts and those succeeding them are told with complete honesty, void of any embellishment.** 

The reason for this little disclaimer is, as I look over my recent posts and think about my recent "activities", I think it all sounds a bit unbelievable. Admittedly, it is unbelievable. If I was reading some guys blog and it read like mine has recently, I'd be incredibly skeptical, especially considering my recent comments about craigslist for the male user. I've been posting or responding to posts on craigslist for a few months, with little to no luck; until recently. As I've explained before, it's near impossible to get a real response from someone genuine as a man searching for a woman, especially with the kind of stipulations that I (or my situation) mandate. That little fact (at least as I perceive it) is exactly why this all sounds terribly unbelievable to me and thus I felt the need to explain that, while I think it sounds completely unbelievable, it's the honest truth. That said; I present to you the height of truthful ridiculousness.... Well, probably tomorrow when I feel a bit more like writing.