Where I'm At...

Wow, I think I may be the worst blogger ever! Okay maybe not the worst but I definitely need to get back on it. 

Hmmm... I have no idea where to start. I guess I'll just start with the "interest" that has kept me from blogging in the first place. This "interest" was a romantic one; let's call her Crystal. 

Crystal and I actually started chatting a couple months ago and we became romantic quite by accident. I found her on craigslist and her ad detailed how she wasn't looking for anything serious right away but that she missed having a deep connection with someone. I've been feeling incredibly lonely lately, so some kind of deep connection with someone sounded amazing, so we started emailing. At first it was pretty nonchalant and carefree, which was perfect considering my situation. Our digital conversations weren't something I went out of my way for at first, but as unaffected as we both tried to be, it was pretty evident that we kind of got each other; which I haven't experienced in a long time. Weekly emails became daily emails became hourly emails; when time allowed, of course. We soon began talking on the phone and, sure enough, we hit it off there too. Unfortunately, we were actually hitting it off a little too well, too quickly and we kind of went against the plan. We originally planned to go nice and extremely slow as we wanted to really find a connection, free of vanity and superficiality; even if all we ended up as was friends. Well, that didn't exactly work. We ended up talking for several hours every night, fooling ourselves into thinking it was strictly platonic. Finally, we met in person and had some pretty intense make-out sessions. We deliberately avoided actually having sex, believing that we were still somehow taking it slow, though we both knew the truth. Things kept getting more serious and despite our various situations we were finally honest with ourselves and started being more forthcoming about our true feelings. Anyway, I'll cut through some of this shit because, long story short, it didn't work out. 

I'm still kind of numb and a little bitter from it so I don't particularly feel like dwelling on all of the details of what happened but the reason I brought all of this up is two-fold. Partly, it's to explain why I've been so out of touch with blogging and, well, life in general. I actually wish I would have chronicled some of this during the whole thing instead of after when I'm kind of tight-lipped about it, but oh well. The other reason I bring it up now is because this whole thing with Crystal has brought up some very interesting feelings and questions within me. This whole thing has left me a little disillusioned. It left me wondering what I'm doing with my life and what I'm going to do about it. It's made we wonder how happy, if at all, I am with my wife. Honestly, though it's crossed my mind several times, Crystal made me for the first time think seriously about whether I want to end it with my wife. I don't want to throw it all away on a whim and knowing what I know now I'm glad I didn't (at least for Crystal) but it's got me seriously questioning how happy I really am. And don't get me wrong, I know marriage is hard and they take a lot of work but how much work should it take? Should I feel like I'm the only one working at it? Isn't it bad that sometimes I feel like I'm forcing it more than working on it? Should I be the only one changing?

*sigh* I don't know what the fuck to do... More later. Seriously, I'm committed to not letting this blog become another half-assed project haha.