I Knew It...

Well, I was afraid I would do this; and I didn't disappoint. Somehow, I ended up writing for other people and when other people aren't reading, the writing tapers off. Well, it's not simply that others weren't reading; there's more to it than that. I know a lot of bloggers kind of slow down during the summer months, busy with vacations and general summer frivolity. I wish I could say that were the case with me, but unfortunately I've had a fairly boring summer. I also wish I could blame it on work, but work for me has been part-time at best. Part of it I can finger (no pun intended) on my investment in pursuing extramarital relationships (to little or no avail; more on that later). But the real reason for my blog avoidance? I'm fucking lazy and I procrastinate. Oh and I'm easily distracted.

I don't know what it is, but I've always been that way. I don't remember when this happened but I do remember several instances, as early as fourth grade, where I procrastinated and had to do some pretty questionable things to cover my little 9 year old ass; and it's been the same ever since. For instance, in fourth grade, I developed a terrible habit of not finishing my homework, thus my grades began to slip... a lot. Hard to believe huh? Anyway, my teacher made me start taking my assignment notebook (the little red book we used to keep track of our daily assignments) home so that my mom could sign it everyday, upon completion of the days homework. So what did I do with that idea? I decided, because it was easier than actually doing the work, to forge my mom's signature. Yep that's right, 9 years old forging my mom's signature to continue my spree of irresponsibility. I can't quite pinpoint how I got to be this way or if it's just in my genes. In one of the most fascinating conversations I've ever had with my grandma, she claimed that she's a major procrastinator and that I probably get that from her, though I've never seen any evidence. Anyway, there are a couple reasons why I'm so curious when and why this started; I have a couple theories as well.

I'm especially fascinated with the idea that it started that very year (9 years old/fourth grade) as it was the same year that my parents divorced and my earliest memories of being disconnected in the aforementioned ways. I don't necessarily understand what the connection would be to my parents divorcing, except that I was just a sad little boy and lost interest in things.

Another possible theory I have relates to the epilepsy I had as a teenager. I've noticed some interesting physical effects that, in my mind, could be blamed on neurological trauma induced by seizures. Why should the way my mind works be any different? If something about my wiring were damaged during my seizures, that would seem to at least play some part in my inability to focus and complete things (this blog haha).

Maybe it's the combination. Or perhaps it's something totally different like ADD or something but either way I need some kind of solution because it's played a MAJOR role in my life ever since.

In reflection, nearly every part of my life has been affected in some way or another by my laziness, procrastination and general lack of focus: relationships, money/credit, career, daily life. I'm tired of the hold it's had on me and I need a way out of it, or at least a way to deal. What that is I don't know. 

Ok that's enough of a rant for now. My main purpose was to say I'm not giving up on this blog and I'm going to stop writing for other people; this is really the only place I can be honest with myself and I need this.